What Remains by Helene Dunbar

Author:Helene Dunbar
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: ya, ya fiction, ya novel, young adult, young adult fiction, young adult novel, helen dunbar, car accident
Publisher: North Star Editions
Published: 2015-04-02T04:00:00+00:00

“Seriously, I don’t mind,” Spencer says, hands on the wheel of his car. He looks like he’s about to go onstage; all ironed and pulled together. In fact, he looks so relaxed it makes me wonder if I imagined everything last night.

But I know better, and the way Lizzie’s heart is galloping in my chest isn’t leaving any room for doubt. I slink down in the passenger’s seat. “Can we not talk about it?”

He looks in the rear-view mirror and backs us down the drive. “How many times have you driven me to school or home from rehearsal? Just think of it as my evening up the score.”

“Thanks. Really. I just need to get a handle on things.” After I say it, I realize how many ways my comment can be taken, and I’m praying that he knows that I’m talking about driving and not about anything that may or may not have happened in The Cave.

If I’m embarrassed about having to ask him to drive me to my appointment then I’m mortified about whatever the hell it was that happened after school. This morning is the first time that I’ve ever hesitated to call Spencer about anything. And I know it wasn’t because my parents had already left and I didn’t want to impose on him for a ride, or because my hands were shaking so hard I thought I was going to drop the phone.

“If it’ll help, we can go to the mall after your appointment and you can putter around the lot there and get used to driving again. I’m free until rehearsal at three,” Spencer offers.

It’s an offer that means a lot. Spencer never lets anyone drive Sweeney, so I nod and try to focus on what should be a simple thought: driving. Driving with him in the car, wondering if that would be easier or if I’d just be afraid of hurting him too. Wondering if I can really sit in a car with him and not think about yesterday. About our lips … and his hands …

I feel hot and cold and dizzy like I’m going to be sick. I’m tired from fighting like hell against Lizzie wanting to replay, again and again, that half hour in The Cave that felt like it lasted for a year. Against her wanting to remember how easy it was to fall into his arms and feel safe, and at the same time buzzing like, for the first time, I was aware of nerve endings I never knew I had.

I look down to see that my hands are clutching at the armrest and that I’m sitting so far over, there’s almost room for another person between us in the front seat of Spencer’s little Golf.

Spencer must notice it too because when I look up, he catches my eye. “Look, about last night … ” he starts quietly.

I put my hands over my eyes and rub them, trying to wipe the memories out of my head. I glance at the speedometer and try to calculate whether I’d survive jumping out of the moving car.

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